Running To Stand Still
by JoyfulHeartEO
Summary: A stand alone piece based on the song "Running To Stand Still" by U2. Another what if from the end of "Parting's" in season 6. Not necessarily a happy fix it ending. But a start of something...of what could have been instead of the disaster that ensued after. Most likely a one shot to be left as is. No Christopher.


**Hey guys! So this started as a piece for Luke & Lorelai: A Playlist, but it took on a life of it's own as some pieces do. It's based on the song "Running to Stand Still" by U2. I've been on a U2 kick lately...and something about this particular song reminded me of the heartbreaking scene in the Season 6 finale when Lorelai gives Luke the ultimatum. Only in this version...things are different.**

 **I won't say that everything gets fixed. And I will say that it ends as a cliff hanger as most season finale's do. I don't know if there will be more. As of right now...this is just a one-shot and I have a feeling it will stay that way. Just an idea...a what-if piece. Enjoy. Thanks. :)**

* * *

_**And so she woke up**_  
 _ **Woke up from where she was**_  
 _ **Lying still**_  
 _ **Said I gotta do something**_  
 _ **About where we're going**_

 _ **Step on a steam train**_  
 _ **Step out of the driving rain, maybe**_  
 _ **Run from the darkness in the night**_  
 _ **Singing ha, ah la la la de day**_  
 _ **Ah da da da de day**_  
 _ **Ah la la de day**_

 _ **Sweet the sin**_  
 _ **Bitter taste in my mouth**_  
 _ **I see seven towers**_  
 _ **But I only see one way out**_

 _ **You got to cry without weeping**_  
 _ **Talk without speaking**_  
 _ **Scream without raising your voice**_

 _ **You know I took the poison**_  
 _ **From the poison stream**_  
 _ **Then I floated out of here**_  
 _ **Singing ha la la la de day**_  
 _ **Ha la la la de day**_  
 _ **Ha la la de day**_

 _ **She runs through the streets**_  
 _ **With her eyes painted red**_  
 _ **Under black belly of cloud in the rain**_  
 _ **In through a doorway she brings me**_  
 _ **White gold and pearls stolen from the sea**_  
 _ **She is raging**_  
 _ **She is raging**_  
 _ **And the storm blows up in her eyes**_  
 _ **She will**_

 _ **Suffer the needle chill**_  
 _ **She's running to stand  
Still**_

* * *

LUKE: No, I can't just charge you for half a cup of coffee.

TROUBADOUR: But I'm not gonna drink the whole cup. Seems like a gyp.

LUKE: Well.

[Lorelai enters]  
LORELAI: Hey. I need to talk to you.

LUKE: Where have you been?

LORELAI: It doesn't matter.

LUKE: What are you talking about it doesn't matter, I've been looking everywhere for you. I tried your cell. I went by the inn. Patty was at your house.

LORELAI: Let's elope.

LUKE: [Stunned] What?

LORELAI: Come on, Luke. Grab your keys. Let's go.

LUKE: Elope?

LORELAI: You said that would be fine at Martha's Vineyard. Didn't you say that would be fine at Martha's Vineyard?

LUKE: Yes, I did. I'm just…

LORELAI: Come on, then! Let's go! We can drive to Maryland. What the hell, right? I mean, you have to see Maryland eventually. We can drive there, get married, and then come back here. And you'll get your stuff, and you'll move in.

LUKE: Okay, hold on.

LORELAI: I mean we have the plan already, right? We just have to put the plan in motion.

LUKE: Let's calm down. We don't have to figure all this out now, do we?

LORELAI: Yes, we do, because we've been waiting and putting it off, and I don't want to put it off anymore.

LUKE: But right now?

LORELAI: Yes, now is the right time. It's the best time because it's now!

LUKE: Come on. [Opens the door]

LORELAI: Your car or mine?

LUKE: Lorelai, let's just talk this through.

LORELAI: No I don't wanna talk, all we've done for months is talk. I want to do. I want to go.

LUKE: We can't just take off and get married.

LORELAI: Why not, Luke? Don't you love me?

LUKE: You know I do.

LORELAI: But I love you, Luke. I love you. But I have waited, and I have stayed away, and I have let you run this thing, and no more. I asked you to marry me, and you said yes.

LUKE: Yeah, I'm just trying to think here.

LORELAI: We fixed up the house, right? We have a bigger closet, and I didn't get the purple wallpaper because you didn't want the purple wallpaper. And if it's between you and the purple wallpaper, I pick you!

LUKE: I didn't tell you not to get the purple wallpaper.

LORELAI: Oh my God you didn't like it.

LUKE: I don't care about wallpaper!

LORELAI: Do you care about me?

LUKE: Yes!

LORELAI: Because I'm going crazy here. I made a commitment to you, and I need to make it happen.

LUKE: It will, it will happen, okay? I just have April to consider.

LORELAI: But once we're married, everything with April will be fine. Anna said so.

LUKE: Anna said so, what does that mean?

LORELAI: When I talked to Anna…

LUKE: When did you talk to Anna?

LORELAI: After the party…

LUKE: I didn't know you talked to Anna, you weren't supposed to talk to Anna.

LORELAI: I know. I'm sor… God, no! I'm not gonna defend myself! For months now, I've been skulking around not saying anything, not having an opinion, like I'm Clarence Thomas or something, and I… I'm done with that. I-I've been waiting for a long time, and I don't want to wait anymore.

LUKE: I have to think this through.

LORELAI: No!

LUKE: I have April!

LORELAI: You're gonna have to figure out how April fits into our lives, not the other way around.

LUKE: I'm trying.

LORELAI: Well, try married!

LUKE: Just wait!

LORELAI: No! I'm not waiting! It's now or never!

LUKE: I don't like ultimatums!

LORELAI: I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually.

LUKE: I can't just jump like this.

LORELAI: Well, I'm sorry to hear that. [Sniffles] And I have to go.

[Luke looks stunned as Lorelai walks away]

Luke watched Lorelai go with a feeling of complete shock. He had seen her at her best and her worst. He had seen her determined and head strong, willing to do anything to get what she wanted. But he had never quite seen her like this. She seemed fragile and frantic, almost as if she was about to completely shatter.

When he couldn't see her anymore, he turned and walked back to the Diner. Everyone inside was staring at him, obviously waiting to see some sort of reaction from him. He stood up a little straighter and stomped past them all towards the apartment. He flung the door open, hearing it slam against the wall. The old glass shook but he kept moving, he started pacing the small space.

His hands rubbed together as he tried to make sense of what the hell had just happened. It was often hard to keep up with Lorelai. She didn't always make sense. She talked about things he didn't understand or made up little scenarios to try and tease him, to play her little games. It was endearing and all together aggravating.

But this was different. Very different.

And something about it scared the hell out of him.

He thought about the way she had looked, her eyes were red and puffy. Her skin pale, her hands shook as she tried to talk to him. She fidgeted and barely met his eyes. She looked so small, like a shell of the woman he had met all those years ago. She always seemed to be larger than life to him. Always so confident and sure of herself. And yet tonight, she seemed so lost, so afraid and he didn't understand why.

His feet stopped their frantic movements and a thought hit him like a ton of bricks.

Was she afraid of him?

He shook his head thinking that, that was the most ridiculous possibility ever. Lorelai could never be afraid of him. He'd never hurt her. He'd never dream of laying a hand on her.

But...there were other types of pain. Kinds of pain that went much deeper than a wound or a bruise. The kind that played with your mind, your emotions and your heart. The kind of pain that made you think crazy things like thinking your fiancé wasn't in love with you anymore.

Luke pulled off his cap and tried to think about their relationship in the last few months. Things had been crazy since April showed up. He thought he was doing a good job balancing it all, but was he really?

Suddenly images of Lorelai's devastated face flashed in his mind. The day she found out about April, the moment she realized he had been keeping something so big from her. The look on her face when he jumped at the idea of postponing the wedding. The time she had to cancel all their wedding plans on her own. The days he'd tell her she couldn't come to the Diner because April would be there.

Martha's Vineyard.

He cringed at that memory. He had been such a jerk to her, complained about every little thing. She was trying so hard to make it nice for him, for them. To give them a weekend away, away from all the chaos at home. But the waves were too loud, it was too cold, he had been rude to Logan. And he had given her that ridiculous necklace that Logan had actually bought, knowing that she would never, ever wear it.

And she had sat in that bed, dressed in that gorgeous green nightie. Her hair was perfectly curled, her face was flawless as always. And still...she looked sad. Far away...broken hearted and he hadn't understood why. She had told him about her insecurities, her worries that he didn't want to marry her anymore.

He had assured her that he did, that they would come home and start to plan things. That they would even have Lobster at their wedding. He had told her that he loved her, and a sense of relief seemed to wash over her face. She had told him that sometimes she needed to hear that. He had made love to her like he had done in the beginning of their relationship. They had laid together and talked, he had eased her worries and concerns and she seemed to relax.

And then...as soon as they came home he fell back into old patterns without even realizing it. The memory of her face when Caesar had mentioned that April had called. He should have brought her home. Hell he should have gone home with her! It was his house too wasn't it? Why had he stayed here at the apartment that night? Why had he done that at all since they got engaged? It seemed insane to him now.

They had renovated the house for THEM not HER. And yet he stayed away. He balanced his time between the two places, made her do the same because of "early deliveries", or "dinner's with April". He cursed himself realizing he had built two completely separate lives. One with April and one with Lorelai.

At first it was because he was upset with himself. He felt like he had failed somehow. Even though Anna had not told him about his daughter, he felt like he should have known. He feared that Lorelai would be ashamed of him, that she would think he was no better than Christopher. A deadbeat Dad. Why would she want a future with him? Why would she want kids with a man who couldn't even take care of the kids he already had?

But then he worried that April would like Lorelai more. These things came so naturally to her. Everyone liked her. He had a harder time fitting in, learning how to create relationships and bonds. He felt like Lorelai would step in and there would be no room for him anymore.

And all of a sudden, he realized how idiotic that sounded. Even if April adored Lorelai (which she did and she would), Lorelai would never let that happen. More than anyone else, she understood how important it was to have a relationship with your child. She had had a tumultuous relationship with her own parents and therefore created the strongest bond with her own daughter.

She would respect Luke's need to spend time with his daughter. She had already proved that. But he went about it the wrong way. He had completely and totally pushed her out of his life, which explained the total fear and anxiety on her face tonight.

Luke fell onto the couch when he realized what he had done.

He had broken her.

The one perfect thing in his life. The one thing he had swore that he would never hurt. All those years of waiting for her, and watching from a distance and this was how he treated her? Hadn't be promised to not be like every other guy that had broken her heart? Yet somehow, when you pulled back all the layers it seemed as if he had hurt her more than any of them ever had.

Luke felt sick to his stomach at the thought. But remembering the look on her face tonight, the plea in her voice, the desperation told him that he was right. He had broken her. He had broken them. And now, knowing Lorelai she would probably find a way to bury the pain, to self-destruct to try and protect herself.

He pushed himself off the couch in a sudden panic and dashed towards the door again. He didn't pay attention to the whispers as he passed or acknowledge Caesar calling out to him. He had to find her. He had to make this right before it was too late.

He froze suddenly as a terrible thought rang through his mind.

What if it was already too late?

He swallowed down that fear and began to run as if his life depended on it, and quite frankly it did…

* * *

Lorelai stumbled through the front door of her house in a blind panic. Her eyes were full of tears, her cheeks were stained with the ones that had already fallen, and her dress and cardigan were soaked through. She had somehow managed to make it back here after leaving him standing there in front of the Diner.

Truth be told, she had had no real plan when she went to see him. She just knew she had to see him. The whole avoiding him tactic wasn't working. And then she remembered her talk with Carolyn in the car, outside her parent's house.

 _CAROLYN: So...what are you gonna do? Only you can make you wait. Nobody else can. You need to decide what you want and what you're willing to give up to get it, and then you got to be okay with that, or you got to be okay with waiting._

 _LORELAI: I could lose him if I push too hard._

 _CAROLYN: You don't really seem to have him now, at least not the way you want to have him. You won't get anything unless you ask for it. And if you ask for it and you don't get it, maybe it wasn't worth having in the first place. Some things are just never meant to be, no matter how much we wish they were._

A sob grew in her throat as the words from Carolyn and Luke's responses washed over her. She had been afraid to push too hard, she was afraid she'd lose him. And well...now she had.

He had chosen never.

She had stood in front of him and bared her soul to him, begged him, pleaded with him to love her and to pick her. Yet he looked at her like she was completely out of her mind. He had looked at her like none of this made any sense, that her outburst had no merit. He looked at her as if nothing had been wrong in the last few months.

She groaned and began to pull at her hair as she kicked off her heels. Maybe she was crazy. Maybe it was all in her head. Maybe there was something desperately wrong with her.

She had always been a little off, a little different than everyone else.

But that was what he found so endearing about her, wasn't it? That she wasn't like the rest of the world. She was her own woman, she had her own emotions and feelings and she expressed them freely.

Until now.

She had kept it all bottled up inside because she had been so sure. So damn sure that he was the one. And yet here they were and nothing made sense at all.

She stumbled, her hands hanging into the wall as she tried to walk into the house. She felt nauseous, she felt like the world had been tipped upside down and gravity no longer existed. She was sure she would float to the ceiling at any moment, be banged around and come crashing back down.

In al honesty though, she would welcome that physical pain. It couldn't hurt any worse than this ache in her chest.

She had never felt anything like this. Sure she had broken up with men before, sure things had disappointed her and hurt her. But this...this was as if someone had taken a mallet and shattered her as easily as a glass window. It was like every fiber of her being, every nerve, every cell was screaming, burning, being tortured in some way.

She tripped on the bottom step and lunged forward, she hit her head on the banister and yelled out. A hiccup wracked through her body as the tears overwhelmed her. She curled into a ball there, trying to hold herself as if it would keep the broken pieces of her body in tact. But she kept seeing his face over and over again, and remembering that he had not come after her…

She closed her eyes tight, and squeezed the railing beside her trying to remember a time when the mere thought of Luke Danes didn't bring her to her knees. Back when he had shocked her not by how easily he could hurt her, but by how easily he fit into her life. How he went above and beyond just to see her smile.

And she remembered...that day so clearly. Just a few months into their relationship. The day he said it...those words. The one's that changed everything.

* * *

 _After a long day at the Inn, Lorelai came into the house completely exhausted. Her night manager was sick with the flu, and Michel was gone for a long weekend away with friends. She had been working overtime, had barely had a moment to sit and breath. She hadn't seen Rory in over a week, she'd barely seen Luke in the last week either._

 _She sighed and kicked off her heels, leaning over she rubbed her sore heels._

 _It wasn't until she heard the soft music coming from upstairs that she stood up a little straighter. She swallowed hard and held onto the wall, no one was supposed to be here but her. "Hello?" She called out into the still house._

 _She heard footsteps on the stairs and she held her breath, "Just me." He called out._

 _She sighed heavily as he appeared in the front entrance, "Hey-Hi-. Luke." She put a hand on her heart, "God you scared me there for a second."_

 _He smiled and walked over to her, "Sorry. I was just trying to surprise you."_

 _She wiggled her toes and stretched a little, "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the Diner?"_

 _He nodded, "I'm going back in a bit. But Sookie called to tell me you were actually coming home for a change. So I came and did a few things around the house so you could relax."_

 _She frowned, "What kinds of things?"_

 _He shrugged, "I threw some of your laundry in. There's a ton of food in the kitchen, you just have to heat some stuff up. Lasagna, even some pie." He said with a smile, "And upstairs there is a nice warm bubble bath waiting for you with some U2 playing. I figured Bono would help ease the tension of the week."_

 _She cocked her head to the side, "Luke…"_

 _He smiled softly and laughed, "Why do you do that?"_

 _She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and stood up a little straighter suddenly feeling subconscious, "Do what?"_

 _He crossed his arms over his chest, "Look at me like that when I do something for you."_

 _Her cheeks burned and she looked down, "Look at you like what?"_

 _He stepped closer to her and tangled one hand in her curls, "Look at me like you are so surprised. Like I shouldn't have done it."_

 _She swallowed hard and lifted her eyes to look at him, "I-I don't know."_

 _He frowned and lifted his other hand to her face, "I think you do know…"_

 _She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and shrugged, "I guess I'm just not used to being taken care of like this."_

 _Luke smiled and bent his knees, leaning down to kiss her gently, "Well get used to it. I don't plan on stopping anytime soon."_

 _When he pulled back she stared up at him, "Luke...why are you always so nice to me?"_

 _He shrugged and felt his cheeks burn red, "Because I love you."_

 _She gasped slightly and stared up at him with wide eyes, "Y-y-you do?"_

 _He smiled and leaned forward again to kiss her temple, "See, there's that look again." He chuckled and pulled back, "I have to run back to the Diner. Close up. But I'll be back a little later."_

 _He began to walk towards the door and she spun around, grabbing his hand, "Luke-"_

 _He smiled and shook his head, "You don't ha-"_

 _"I love you too." She said simply and honestly, a slow smile spread on her face, "I...I think I have for a long time."_

 _Luke took a deep breath and nodded, "Well...okay. That's good."_

 _She giggled a little and nodded, "Yeah. It's definitely good."_

 _He cleared his throat and stared at her for a moment, "I should really go back and close the Diner."_

 _She nodded slowly but kept a small smile on her face, "You should…"_

 _He bit his lips and looked at her hopefully, "But I've barely seen you in a week."_

 _"Been pretty busy." She said nodding quickly, "Sorry about that."_

 _"S'okay." He said with a shrug, "Life gets in the way sometimes." He cleared his throat and pointed at her, "You do have a phone."_

 _She laughed again but nodded, "I do. And I'm pretty sure you have a cell phone."_

 _He reached into his back pocket and smiled, "Yes, I do."_

 _"Which you could use to call Caesar…" She said stepping back slowly._

 _Luke closed the door behind him, "And tell him I won't be back until tomorrow morning."_

 _"Sounds like a much better plan to me." She said pulling at the buttons on her shirt._

 _"A much better plan." He agreed yanking his flannel up over his head._

 _Lorelai shrieked with delight when she saw the look in his eyes, and suddenly the tiredness wasn't there anymore. Instead it was replaced with another, stronger, passionate feeling. She turned and dashed up the stairs, knowing he was right behind her…_

* * *

She cringed at the memory, she had almost fallen on the top step because she was going so fast. But he had caught her around the waist and pulled her to safety. She had laughed as he lifted her up and carried her the rest of the way to the bedroom, proclaiming it was safer and more convenient for them both.

That moment everything had seemed so damn perfect. He loved her and she loved him. And it was easy. It worked.

That's why she had been so sure. So sure he was the one.

And yet now here they were...totally broken. He had fallen out of love with her. He had changed his mind just like she always feared he would. Curling back up she let the tears fall again, her sobbing was so loud she didn't even hear the front door open.

* * *

When he saw the front of her house, he stopped for a moment. There were no lights on, but her jeep was there. She had to be there. Right? Where else would she go?

A million terrible scenarios rushed through his brain and he groaned, pushing them aside. He ran again, stomping up the front steps. And for once in his life he was happy that she never locked her door.

He stepped into the front entrance and a memory rushed through him.

* * *

 _Emily had told him he had won. She had told him to go to her, that Lorelai wanted to be with him. She wanted him. Lorelai Gilmore wanted Luke Danes._

 _And dammit, he wanted her too._

 _He had been so angry, so hurt after her parent's vow renewal. And it all seemed like too much. He let those insecurities rush back to him, the feeling he had felt for 8 years thinking he would never be good enough for her._

 _But then they had found a way to be together. And for the first time in Luke's lonely life...he had felt happy. Truly and genuinely happy._

 _She made everyday exciting and worth getting up for. Her smile lit up any room, her laugh was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. The way she touched him, the feel of her kiss was all too much. And just as soon as she was his, it all fell apart again._

 _But she had tried. She had tried to fix it but he pushed her away. Just like he always did because it was easier. He didn't know she thought it was over...not until she had called him her ex-boyfriend. And now here they were, weeks and months later totally apart. And he hated it._

 _So he had to fix it._

 _After Emily had left, he got in the truck and drove over to her house as fast as he could. Since their break up, he had avoided coming by here as often as possible. But he pulled the truck up behind her jeep and stomped up the front steps. The steps that he had fixed at least a dozen times. He was sure the door was unlocked, but he felt like an outsider suddenly._

 _So he lifted his hand and knocked urgently._

 _After a moment, she came to him. She was standing there, looking confused, hurt, and scared. And without thinking, he rushed in and pulled her into his arms. She gasped at the sudden movement, but soon wrapped her own arms around him and moaned into his mouth as she shut the door behind him. He felt like he could kiss her forever, he wanted to kiss her forever._

 _It would be easier, but it wasn't realistic._

 _So when she pulled away and stared up at him wide eyed and afraid, he blurted out, "I love you."_

 _She stumbled back and hit the wall behind her, "Luke…"_

 _"I love you, okay? And yeah I'm pissed about what happened with Christopher and that you didn't tell me. And I know that your parents are never going to approve of me." He said as he rubbed his hands nervously together._

 _She wiped at her lips and tried again, "Luke…"_

 _"And I don't know why a girl like you would want a guy like me. We're totally different and yet we make sense and you…" He swallowed hard as his voice filled with emotion, "You make me better Lorelai. You make me live and try harder...and I don't like the guy that I become without you. And I don't want to be that guy so please…"_

 _She inhaled sharply when he stepped all the way up to her, "Luke…"_

 _"Please don't let me ruin this, okay? Please don't let my stupidity be the end of this. Of us." He lifted his hands and touched her cheeks gently, she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, "I've been miserable for weeks and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want my best friend back."_

 _She whimpered and let her tear filled eyes flutter open, "I want my best friend back too."_

 _He sighed with relief and leaned forward, pulling her against him as tightly as possible, "I'm so sorry."_

 _She shook her head and buried her face in the crook of his neck, "No. No Luke. I'm sorry. I never should have kept that from you. I don't know why I did."_

 _"It doesn't matter." He said pulling back as he shook his head, "It's fine. It's forgotten."_

 _"I never want to hurt you." She said with a sniffle as she tried to touch every part of him that she could, "I've been so lost the last few weeks. I need you Luke. And I'm not supposed to need anyone and I'm so scared."_

 _"I know." He said softly as he leaned forward to kiss her cheeks, her nose and her eyelids, "I know."_

 _"I need you." She cried as his lips found hers, "I love you."_

 _He pulled back and brushed her hair out of her face, "I know."_

 _She sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck, he lifted her up and carried her to the couch._

* * *

He swore then that that was the last time he would ever push her away. That he would ever be stupid enough to let her go…

And yet here they were.

With a burst of determination, he stepped forward into the dim house and looked from right to left. He heard her before he saw her.

The sound alone made his knees tremble, but when he saw her, he cracked. The sight of this beautiful, strong woman, curled up, barefoot and broken on the bottom of her staircase was enough to make a grown man cry.

And in fact it did.

"Lorelai…" He managed to croak out as the tears filled his eyes.

Her head snapped up and she gasped, "Luke."

He fell forward and reached out to her, "Lorelai…"

She pulled away from his touch, or at least tried too. She was too weak to get up, "Luke don't."

He ignored her pleas and reached for her hand, "Lorelai…"

It seemed to be the only thing he knew how to say at the moment and she suddenly found her strength. Pulling herself up from the railing she stumbled down the bottom step and away from him. She could feel him trying to gather himself to face her but her head was pounding and she was trying to think.

"Luke go home." She managed to say as she tripped over herself walking towards the kitchen.

When he finally found his feet he followed her, "Lorelai…"

"I mean it Luke." She said as she gripped the counter and guided herself to the sink to get a cup of water, "Go home."

"Lorelai." He said helplessly again.

She half full glass in her hand trembled and before she knew what she was doing, she had whipped it across the room, letting it shatter into a thousand little pieces, much like her heart, "Jesus Christ! Stop saying that!"

He jumped and fell back against the counter, "I-I don't...I can't…"

She put a hand on her stomach and tried to focus on her breathing, "I really need you to leave."

He stepped cautiously over to her, "I don't think I can do that."

She snorted softly and wiped at her tears "How ironic is it that the one time I actually want you to leave you won't. How many times in the last few months have I wanted to beg you to stay here with me only to have you run off back to the apartment. Away from the place you supposedly were going to call your home someday."

"Why didn't you say something?" He asked sadly, "Lorelai if I had known-"

"I tried." She said sadly, "I tried to tell you but you didn't want to hear it. Anytime I brought anything up that had to do with April you turned into this whole other person. You put up this wall and shut me out. And every time it was like the crack in me was growing wider and wider. And tonight I just…" She let out another sob and ran her hand through her hair, "Tonight was the final crack Luke…"

"I didn't realize I was losing you." He pleaded with her, "I really didn't."

She sighed and shook her head, "I've learned from experience that pushing you leads to our demise. And I didn't want that to happen." She laughed and started to walk towards the broken glass, "Seems my plan backfired. Turned me into a ticking time bomb."

"I have never seen you like tonight. So…" He swallowed hard as she bent down, "So…" He sighed, "I don't even know how to describe it."

"Shattered?" She asked with a raw voice, she laughed again, "Not much different than these pieces of glass." She leaned forward and then grimaced, "Ow. Damn it."

Luke sighed and grabbed a paper towel, wetting it before walking over to her, "Let me see."

"It's fine." She said defensively as she held her hand towards her heart.

"Let me see." He insisted again, looking at her in that way that always broke through her exterior.

She sighed and held her hand out, he wrapped it up and applied pressure. "I can take care of it myself."

Luke swallowed hard and cocked his head to the side, "I'll clean it up."

She shook her head, "You don't have too.

His mouth drew into a thin line as he spoke, "Yes. I do."

The determination in her voice made her think that he wasn't really talking about the broken glass. She sucked in her bottom lip and stood up to walk over to the opposite counter. She wanted to sit, her feet hurt. In fact every inch of her hurt. But instead of sitting down on one of the chairs, her body gave out and she somewhat collapsed onto the floor below her.

Luke made a move as if to come see her but she shook her head. She pulled her knees up to her chest and smoothed her dress out as she held the bloody, wrapped finger close to her chest. Luke grabbed the broom and started to sweep up the broken glass on the floor. For a while, the only sound that could be heard was the movement on the broom, and the tinkling of the glass bouncing off one another.

When he was done, he walked towards her nervously. She didn't say anything, but when she lifted her eyes to his he was giving a look that meant he was asking for permission to sit beside her. She looked down again and scooted to her left, giving him space beside her.

She heard his aging bones crack under the weight as he lowered himself down beside her. She heard him sigh as he leaned his head against the back of the counter, he rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his hands together. Something he always did when he was nervous.

Part of her wanted to comfort him. To ease his pain and tension...but then she remembered that she too was hurting. And for the first time in months, she had to put herself first.

After awhile, she heard him clear his throat before he began to talk, "I was going to tell you about April. Sooner than I did…" She fidgeted slightly beside him, he half expected her to cut in but she didn't so he continued, "I came here to tell you about her. It was…" He closed his eyes tightly, "It was that night I saw you in your dress. I didn't really have a plan...but I was freaking out about the whole thing and I needed to talk to someone. I wanted to talk to my best friend so I came here to tell you." He sighed and turned to look at her, "And then you came down in that beautiful dress…"

She sighed and looked down, "I guess it really is bad luck to see the bride's dress before the wedding." She tried to tease.

He shook his head, "Lorelai…"

She frowned and looked up at him with tears in her eyes again, "What made you change your mind?"

He looked down regretfully, "I got scared."

"Of what?" She asked softly, "I mean did you think I'd be mad at you? Luke….Anna chose to keep April from you for 12 years. None of this was your fault."

He nodded, "I know. I know that. But in that moment...I saw you standing there in your dress and everything I had ever wanted to happen was right before me ya know?" He smiled sadly, "For years I dreamed about being with you. What it would be like. And there you were...in a dress. A wedding dress to get married in, not to anyone else." He pointed to his chest, "To marry me."

She swallowed hard and scooted closer to him, "Luke…"

"I saw it all...the whole vision of what I wanted. You and me...and kids or plants if that's what you wanted. It was all right there…" He said holding his hand out as if he was reaching for it, "But then...I remembered April. And it all seemed so confusing and impossible again. I was afraid it wouldn't work. That I couldn't do it. And so I retreated into my own head and tried to make sense of it. But then the days kept passing by and I still hadn't told you...and I felt guiltier and guiltier...and in some sick way I was relieved when you walked in and saw her."

She frowned, "You really wanted me to find out like that?"

He sighed, "Not really no. But it finally forced me to face the truth head on." He laughed bitterly, "Or so I thought. Turns out it just gave me an excuse to retreat even further from you but still lie to myself that things were fine." He looked over at her and said, "Because they haven't been fine. I've been neglecting you…" He swallowed the lump in his throat and choked out, "I've been hurting you. The one thing I swore I would never, ever do."

She swallowed hard and looked away, "Luke…"

"Do you remember that night you came to the Diner? The one when Sherry had Gigi...we hadn't talked all summer. I had been avoiding you. And you came in...said you were…" He shook his head, "Someone else. I can't remember her name…"

She sniffled softly and looked down at her hands in her lap, "Mimi."

Luke smiled and looked over at her, "Mimi. Yeah. You told me what you wanted...that you thought you almost had it. The whole package. The house, the dog, the matching jogging suits."

She sighed and leaned her head against the back of the counter, "Slipped away again…"

Her comment cut through him like a knife but he pushed on. He turned his body towards hers and spoke again, "That night...I wanted to stay mad at you. I was so angry with you for thinking I didn't give a damn about Rory. You know me. You know that I'd risk my life for that kid. For you. And that fight of ours...I never saw it coming. But maybe I should have. We were so close. Too close even. And all the pent up frustration on my end and the fear on yours came crashing around us."

She sighed and shook her head, "Luke what does this have to do with anything?"

"I looked at you that night...and I saw how sad you were. How alone you felt. And I swore...that even if you and I never crossed that line...if we never became an us...that I would never let you down. That I'd be the guy you could count on." His voice sounded raw.

She turned her head and looked at him sadly, "Luke…"

"But I hurt you. I took for granted what I had. I thought that since I had you...I didn't have to try anymore and that was wrong." He whispered.

"Luke I don't need grand gestures all the time. I just needed to know you were still in." She whispered sadly, "That's why I was begging you tonight just to say something. To try...to let me know I wasn't fighting for nothing. I've been holding on for dear life...but I didn't know what I was holding onto anymore."

Luke huffed and leaned forward, he hung his head in shame and shook his head, "I'm so sorry. Lorelai I am so sorry...I have no idea what is wrong with me."

She sighed, "There is nothing wrong with you Luke. You just don't want this anymore. It happens. People fall out of love. I u-"

"Stop." He said lifting his head quickly, she looked startled but he shook his head, "Don't say that. Don't even think it because it's not true."

She licked her lips and slid back, "But Luke-"

"Not for one second have I stopped loving you. Okay? I need you to know that." She stared at him blankly, "Not for one minute Lorelai. Never. I have ALWAYS loved you. Okay? I just...I got lost. And confused. It wasn't about you…"

"Then what was it about?" She asked in a pained voice, "Because it feels like it was me…"

"I got scared." His voice cracked, "I got scared when April showed up...there was this new person. It takes me so damn long to let people in, you know that. And I was afraid she wouldn't like me...I'd already missed so much time with her and I needed her to like me. And you are so good with these things, I thought if you stepped in there'd be no more room for me. Thinking about it now I realize how stupid it was. But it sounded legitimate in my head." He turned to her and frowned, "And I was scared that you'd see me differently…"

"Differently how?" She asked turning to face him, desperately wanting to understand.

He sighed and looked straight ahead, "I'm going to admit something to you that is hard, okay?" She nodded slowly beside him, "I've always needed you to think I was stronger than I am...that I was more put together. I never wanted you to see me crack ya know? I wanted to be that guy for you...the one that fixes things. The one to hold it all together, be there for you no matter what. And I think this new big thing threw me for a loop and it threatened that. I didn't want you to see me as weak. I didn't want you to think I couldn't handle it. So I think I wanted to make things perfect with April...so you'd see that I could do it. That I could handle it. I could be a family guy...be the guy you always wanted and needed."

"Luke that's crazy." She said shaking her head, "I mean yes you're always strong for me and I love you for that. But you're allowed to be human."

"I don't like being human." He said with a sniffle, "Makes things complicated. Makes it easier to get hurt."

She smiled sadly, "Ain't that the truth." She paused, "But if you weren't human...this whole thing between us would be really weird."

Luke chuckled and turned towards her and smiled, "So is there still an us?"

She took a deep breath and then quickly stood up, she walked towards the sink to wash her cut, "I don't know if I can answer that Luke."

He watched her from his spot on the floor for a moment, "Lorelai…"

"I don't know if there is anything left of me to give to you." She said honestly, "And I don't know how to fix this."

Pushing himself off the ground he faced her, "What if I had said yes tonight? What if we had run away and gotten married?"

She laughed sadly and gripped the edge of the sink, "I wanted to believe that would fix it Luke. But we both know that it would have made it so much worse. We would have come back here and gone back to the way it was...the only difference would have been a piece of paper." She frowned and shrugged her shoulders, "Then we'd have to deal with a messy divorce instead of just going our separate ways peacefully."

"I don't want to go our separate ways or get divorced." He said quickly, "Lorelai we have to fix this."

She shook her head and turned back to him, "Luke don't…"

"I came here to fix this." He said quickly as he stepped closer to her, "Okay? We can. We have too."

Her eyes brimmed with tears again as she stared at him, "I saw Christopher tonight."

He stepped back involuntarily, that was the last thing he expected to hear, "What?"

"At my parents. At dinner." She clarified, "He was there...my Mom was trying to set him up with some woman. She was a therapist."

"I don't understand what this has to do with anything." He said quickly.

"This woman...Carolyn. She was good. I should probably go see her and sort out all my issues. Lord knows I have plenty of them." She tried to joke.

Luke shook his head, "You don't have any issues. Why did you tell me about Chris?"

She froze and then pushed on, "Tonight...when you said no." She sighed and looked down.

"I didn't say no." He tried to reason.

She ignored him and pushed on, "There was this second when I thought about Christopher. About going to see him. About…"

Luke swallowed hard and stepped back again, "About what?"

She cringed and looked away from him, "I wanted you to hurt the way you hurt me."

Luke sucked in a breath, "But you didn't."

"No. Obviously I didn't." She said pushing away from the counter to sit at the table, "I didn't have the strength to do it." She cringed again, "God that sounds terrible…"

"You once told me that when you are really hurt you self destruct. To make sure that there is no going back." He whispered.

She looked back at him, "I did?"

He nodded, "Is that what that would have been?"

She laughed to herself, "Well it certainly would have been the one thing to keep you away forever, right?"

Luke walked over to her and knelt down, taking her hands in his, "I don't want to stay away forever."

"Even if I asked you too?" She asked in a pained voice, "Even if I told you that this was too much? That I can't do this anymore? Because I'm not sure I can."

He took a deep breath before he asked, "Why did you ask me to marry you that night?"

She sighed and pushed him away, stepping past him, "Luke don't. Okay? Just don't. I want you to go. I'm exhausted."

"Why Lorelai?" He asked turning on his knees to look at her before he pushed himself off the ground, "Why did you ask me to marry you?"

She sucked in her bottom lip and crossed her arms over her chest, "Because I was sure…"

"Sure of what?" He asked stepping towards her slowly, afraid to send her running again.

Her eyes fluttered shut when she felt him draw closer, "I was sure that you were the one."

"I'm still that guy." He whispered hopefully, "I'm still right here."

"Luke I want to believe that." She whispered softly, looking up at him with such a sad look his heart began to race, "I really do. But I'm not sure if that's true...I think we're two different people now."

"Don't say that." He said desperately, "I'm still me and you're still you." He lifted his hands and touched her cheeks, "You're still my Lo-"

"No. I'm not." She said shaking her head as she pulled back, "I'm not sure who I am anymore. I haven't been me in a long time...I've never been the girl who let a man walk all over her. Whatever this is between us...it isn't the same anymore Luke. And I think I need to walk away now before I get even more lost."

"Please." He whispered sadly, "Just tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix it."

"I can't tell you how to fix it." She said shaking her head, "It doesn't work that way Luke."

"But I need you." He said reaching for her hand, she tried to pull it away but he pressed her palm against his chest, "I need you Lorelai."

"Please don't." She said as the tears began to fall freely, "Please Luke...just let me go."

"No." He said pulling her closer to him again, "I won't. I'm not just going to let go, okay? You want me to fight? You want me to prove that I still love you? That I'm still all in?"

His choice of words cut her like a knife and she crumbled, "Don't…"

"I'm still here." He said pleadingly, "Okay? I know...I know I've been a total jerk. You have every reason to hate me. Every reason to want to hurt me...to leave me but I'm begging you not too. Alright? It's my turn to beg because I can't do this without you. I don't want to do this without you. I won't do this."

"Luke please…" She said shaking her head slowly back and forth, "Please…"

"I want to marry you. And have the 2.2 kids and the white picket fence. The crazy dog which we already have and the matching jogging suits." He clung to her hand, "I want that. I need that to happen, okay? I need to wake up next you and bitch about how much coffee you drink. I need to pretend to be annoyed by your insane jokes and the way you could single handedly put the Mar's candy company out of business in a day."

She laughed through her tears but still tried to pull away, "Luke stop."

"I need you in my life. Because clearly I've been doing a damn good job screwing it all up, and you want to know why?" He asked, she looked up at him, "Because I was pushing you away. Because when I don't listen to you...when I don't have you there beside me I fuck up Lorelai. That's how I self-destruct...I think crazy thoughts like I'm not good enough or that my kid will hate me when you come around. I hurt the woman I love because I haven't let you be there to wake me up. So I'm asking you to do it now. Wake me up Lorelai. Make me see it. Okay? Make me see what the hell I'm gonna lose if I don't stop this. Please Lorelai. Please."

They stood in silence for a moment, staring at each other. Neither of them wanted to blink, afraid to break the spell. Finally she stepped back again, she saw the fear in his eyes. She sat back down on the floor against the counter and looked up at him cautiously. He only hesitated for a second before sitting down beside her.

He looked down and watched as she reached her hand out, palm up waiting. He lifted his own hand and laced it with hers, squeezing tightly. He heard her sigh before she leaned sideways and rested her head on his shoulder. They sat there, just like that trying to understand how they had gotten here.

"Lorelai?" He called her name so softly, like a whisper, a plea, and a question.

She took a deep breath beside him before whispering, "I don't know what happens next Luke. I don't know if we can fix the damage…" She heard him inhale sharply, "But tonight I'm really hurting...and I'm terrified and I-" Her voice cracked and she closed her eyes tightly, "Tonight I just need my best friend. Can you stay?"

Tilting his head to the side, he pressed his lips to the crown of his head and nodded, "I need my best friend too."

Sighing with relief, she snuggled further into his side and let her eyes close. She would stay here on this kitchen floor with him forever if it was all she had, and she was pretty sure he would too. She had no idea what this meant, what it would mean for their future. She wanted to run, she wanted to scream at him and tell him to never come near her again.

But in her darkest and most painful moment, she wanted her best friend. The one person she always turned too, and that was the tricky thing about love. It often ended up being that that person, is the same one as the one that can hurt you the most. But if she walked away forever...she was pretty sure she'd always regret it.

So for now...she'd sit here with him. She'd hold his hand and choose to believe there was still a chance. At least for tonight.

Tonight she couldn't run any longer.

As for tomorrow...well tomorrow was another story.

* * *

 **The end.**


End file.
